The missing Posts

I have been posting, but not here. I made the mistake to post where people to lazy to search for insight could find it; so I killed that site. I'm moving my past rants to here; set in reverse choronilogical order.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Revisiting 30
Funny how one forgets where American society defines itself. It truly is a shallow society; especially in the OC. They tout humility, only because they can afford to say they are humble. People who have truly struggled never claim to be better than anyone and humility is the displayed in their voluminous actions.

I spent most of my life trying to live on my own term in places that I particularly had no business living. Now I look back and smile, because I know. I have a secret smile that comes out when I know the truth of things. Like watching a date where the dates spend more time looking at the clothes and trinkets that there prospective bed mates ware as opposed to listening to the story that is the person. Seeing a person deny they wear contacts because they are ashamed of their glasses. Seeing a losing team cheer because they got to play. These oddities encompassing honesty, sincerity, and profanity all lay below the surface of our actions and words. But they typically have no value simply because the end results is nothing physical is immediately gained. Yet to learn these simple and truths, it takes a lifetime. In learning them, a person becomes devout or virtuous in action and though as opposed to a consumer product of the OC looking for the next big thing and hoping people notice them. Why would anyone want to be consumed by other people?

Now I'm 30 and I have nothing to show for my actions; as a friend of mine has enlightned me. I have been told I have wasted my time. This was my final retort, after I pulled my wits together; after having to question my own existence:

"In the end being reminded that at 30, I am worthless to society hurts, but its true. But this is the same society that places value in physical beauty and not truth or heart. The same peoples who place the belief that death solves the problem of crime. The same organized mob that clamors to praise a profane professional athlete that was convicted of rape, yet forgets who taught him how to read, believe in himself, and evolve into a man.if you can call that a man. Jesus wasnt a millionaire, and George Washington married for money. Both were great men, and their actions and beliefs always stood firm; even when the whole world hated them. But my words are worthless in this because I am a barista at Starbucks or an overnight staffer at 24hr fitness without a hot car, hot chic, power, and money. Because of that I appear to be all talk. But I am evolving, but at the same pace as those great men. Slow, honestly; at least to the best of my knowledge. Because I want to be able to help my friends. Because I want to prove that even the most corrupt people can evolve. Because I want to live knowing that the values that society has are false. Because Im not valueless; Im something that most people will never understand."

I feel sad in that I had to say that. Simply because people still, after 2000 years of evolution, we still fall back on their biological heritage of needing to secure their place for their offspring. A noble and honest cause, but it should not based on the selfish endeavor that the individual is always first. We are not birds who display plumage through possessions, but modern society states otherwise.

My other concern is that the words were said. If a friend knows me and tells me that I am worthless, are they my friend? Have they truly looked past all the failures within me? Maybe I'm not their friend they way the envisioned, as it should be to them. But again, is that truly friend behavior: "If you are my friends, you will live like the way I want you to." If that statement rings true within the speaker, then that speaker truly dosen't know me nor the places I am going or where I have been.

Since the incident, I have come to terms with my friend. This person actually apoligized for the incident and reconciled some simple truths that they discovered on thier own. It was a moving experience for me since I actually saw something that most people never do: evolving past their own wants to see the simple truths in others. That evolution gives me hope. Simply because that action shows that people who are willing to do good can find it within themselves, after critically analyzing their own actions, discover those simple truths like choice, truth, and love are binding force behind living a life that you can laugh at and inspire others with. Usually that life is far more fulfilling and there are no regrets within it. Having the life where one gets everything comes at a cost of ones soul; simply because to get all things, one must take some things..

Unfortunately, nobody ever asks :Why is that man smiling and how do I smile like that?" They ask : "How much money does he have and how do I get it?"
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Thursday, June 29, 2006

My kind of Therapy
Morbid yes. Annoyingly effective if not entertaining, definitely.

I often wonder if being a therapist would have been a way for me to go. But then I realized that helping people isn't my thing anymore. It's helping the worthy. How does one know if they are worthy? Do you know and want to change or evolve? Do you make an active effort to change; as passive and BS as it may be at times. Do you not have a goal, but a direction OR a goal that keeps changing? If yes, blow up the cellie yo; I'm there for you.

I think I have been worn down by half assed people. You know the type: "Please help me because I won't do it myself." I understand "can't". Sometimes we are physically or intellectually not capable to do things; like fix our cars. I understand "I'm Scared". It takes a great deal of courage to face anything, to include tomorrow. I even understand "I'm Tired", but that still doesn�t say I'm gonna do it all for you. Yet if you look closely, alot of people fall on those excuses in lieu of "I won't cause you'll do it for me." I'm a knight when you know me, but I am not your bitch.

Now do you know if you are worthy?

Why the comic. That's the defining moment of the worthy: In lieu of something horrible, as bizarre and perverse it may be, the act of pushing forward occurs at that individual's level. Even I falter; but even comedy reminds me to just grin and move forward.
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Monday, June 19, 2006

Consequences Schmonsequenses
Current mood: numb
Enraged Motorcyclist!

My hero for the day.

More often than not this describes most people I encounter on the road. I really don't want a cell phone because I fear turning onto one of those weenies. I see my friends do it all the time. I fear that our era of instant communication and gratification has led us to believe that we are not capable of anything... but entitled to it. I guess we are capable of anything imaginable, but we have to face the consequences that follow; as bizarre as they may be.

Now that I think about it, this describes most people and how they operate: There is no tomorrow, emotions are just toys, and longstanding friendships are easily dissolved if they are inconvenient. Like the cell phone: one answers when one wants, one gets who see who is calling and decide if they are worth the time that day, one can be in constant contact with whom they wish, and one can ignore the people that are having real issues if they know ahead of time. Friends of convenience. But what are the consequences these actions? Who cares right? What happens if you leave milk out too long? Either drink your milk or use it right; lest it go bad. Or you can make cheese. Friends can be cheesy too.
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Friday, June 09, 2006

INFP
Current mood: momentous?
I had this tested years ago under a Briggs and Meyers. I never thought I would have it tested again only to see that nothing's changed.I don't know what to think of it.

On one hand I am irritated that I constitute 1% of the total population. I get the to be the hat that people wear when it rains, hard. And I'm fine with it for the most part. My greatest fear is watching the world rend it's self. Actually no.. that's not my greatest fear. It's watching my friends Rend themselves. I am to old and to tired to not care. Their wounds somehow affect me... and it's totally irrational. I harbor the antiquated values that we all have forgotten. If you know them, then you know me. If you don't know them, then go find Bors or Ajax at the river and you will know what I mean. I just wish I knew more people like that. Not necessarily like me, just living the old ways and breathing what they say. I hate being taken advantage of by my word. Not a petty favor, but outright profane usage of my abilities to further ones career or selfish oppressive opportunities. Then again I could be selfish with my time.

On the other, I am in awe of people. I am enamored by the goodness that I do see. I dream too much about how people could be and get hurt too much by how people are. I have too much faith in those whom are doomed to fail, yet I want them to succeed to prove that they have a voice. They have value. And that they are loved, even by the angry me. This is the price of my sanity, lol. This is to be an INFP.
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Good to be Bad or Bad to be Good?
Current mood: archilochian
It's hard to say anymore what is out there. Looking for stuff and finding nothing of value is getting old. I mean I used to believe that all things had some value, intrinsic or otherwise. Now it seems that the world is just so wrapped up in self that the value placed on things deal more with how much of a tool is a person to another person. "Will they enhance my status, position, consumption capacity, quality of life, ego, or even ability to breed?" These are the questions we all ask ourselves. Spirituality is lost on these people in that the notions of spirituality itself become a tool in which they either justify their motives or put at ease their already committed selfish desires. The need to feel good as to justify the evil committed or being committed. Then again... what's evil? Apathy? Ignorance? Untruth?

I guess the issue at hand with me is would I take a person who is built on evil, acts out on evil and believes in evil if they didn't operate on the notions of improving their own personal quality of life? A selfishness that is stemmed from knowing who they are, but not living for themselves, but for the good of others (not the will of others). Lies are their weapon against greed and self consumption, simply because it's more fun to live that way. Hate is the operant condition they live in as to find spirituality that isn't justifying their actions. Finding God through redemption; instead of mouthing the words in a text and then committing a crime. Is all that I see shallow people who only see that is within their scope of desires, not their children or neighbors? And these evil people I think of are actually just the misfits and outcasts that have it figured out?
Remember that when you call up a friend to have them work out at the gym and then promptly leave afterward because they are a boor. Or that smart chic in class that knows all the answers so you study with her, but she' ugly so you have nothing to do with her. Better yet; when a "friend" calls on you for help, but you are too "busy" or stall because it doesn�t fit what you want. Check yourself when you see the unwanted and unknown and see how they become redeemed through your actions. Eventually they become the "evil" that know what it's all about. In the end they will own people because those people are the ones who are "righteous" but blind tool users. The "righteous" become the tools to evil because the righteous' own selfish desires won't permit themselves to transcend into decent people. So I would hope. But the masses are a powerful if not dumb group; and a stone in a river is still a stone.
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Sunday, December 04, 2005

On Smoking
Current mood: melancholy
Smokers are a funny lot. Many of the ones I know and claim that if they could start over again, they would quit and never start. Waste of time and money they say. On the flip side, they are smoking and now they can't quit. Or decide not to.

Now as I watch them, I am told that they don't like to smoke, don't want others to smoke and try their best to conceal smoking from most of society... at least here in California. I do not mean conceal as in hiding under the covers and lighting up, but conceal in that they really don't like it when you mention they smoke in front of someone they are intending to impress. It is a social faux pas of the nth degree. I personally don't smoke, so I'm an ass to comment on something I have no business commenting on... so I have been told.

For those they tell not to smoke, like their friends; I find it either an affront or a lie. They like to smoke, at least you could state you like it and encourage others to do in out of honesty. Get people to die faster, Lord knows we need the stupid ones to die now; lest I never make my money in the stock market under health programs. It's a fake truth to say that "Smoking is bad" and them you light up. Even worse is when a non-smoking friend tells their smoking friend, "Hey dude... please not here" and they do because "I can't help it" is the point of contest.

Addicted ... no... just bored, tired, sad, frigidity, sick, and trying to lose weight and trendy.

And nothing sucks worse than being the guy who is trapped in a car full of smokers and they want you to convert. "But it's bad for you..."

Maybe they just want to belong and smoking is a social thing. They are by far the most social people I know. Then again, so are most addicts when they need a fix. They will go to great lengths to make someone happy to have their "happiness" back. And to hold onto that "happiness" lest that favor be brought back to life, they will remain social for that purpose...well not entirely, but you can see how it becomes not self-motivating and more drug driven. Back to the social issue, I can see how being a misfit can make a person belong by being a source of nicotine while partaking of it. Much like being the adult buyer for underage teens.

Me on my moral soapbox really shouldn't be here, but I am and I am an ass. I'm just pissed because I saw a friend go from being someone who actually believed in trying to do good by being the nonsmoker and fail to the point of being the smoker because her merry band of misfits told her outright they didn't want her to be like them. They lied. Now I get to watch them smoke, have asthmatic attacks, and get sick regularly. I am excluded from regular conversation because I’m the “clean one”. I have always accepted the fact that I am an outcast because of my uniqueness, but it saddens me that my uniqueness will see my friends in an iron lung and suffering while I stand alone because everybody else is dead. On the upside, at least they are together.

Granted life is limited, and uncertain; but why hinder the uniqueness and awesomeness of life by permanently altering it with a lung hindering dependence? Then again, what is moderation?
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Thursday, October 06, 2005

.....on 30.....
Current mood: realistic
Category: realistic Life
Funny thing about being old. I never once saw myself as old. Somehow I have inherited that title since I am the oldest among the cadre of people I an involved with. Unerringly, they have discerned my behavior as unique and dipped in antiquated styles of thought, action, and perseverance. I'm old to them because I do weird things. Weird weird things. Like working HARD, but not always for personal achievements. Improving myself daily. Thinking in general. Caring about decent people. Old fashioned ideals like that.

Now, as I sail through life I notice something odd. Being old means that people hold contempt for you. They secretly marginalize you because you are a liability socially or physically. The vast knowledge base that you have accumulated over the years is openly criticized as outdated, though hardly wrong and viciously sought after incognito. Because you walk to a rhythm that is not theirs and live openly for the unfathomable future and seeing what life has to offer, instead of conforming and complaning. Living vicariously is a slow death, because vicarious living is smoking the small time you have in life away.
More often than naught, I find myself competing with those with talent. True talent. The stuff that comes only from the Hand of God. And the talented and young criticize the aged due to old ideas and concrete repetitive positive incremental methods. Yes, working hard is "old" and takes time; but unlike talent the skills will never fade because they were honed and not given. As aged, you hold no equals when your cadre is younger because there none in which to convey the open communication that only exists with people that have lived and worked hard. Talented people typically never have this because they don't need to work hard. Hard work makes a person see the world for what it really is: A mix of experiences, good and bad, that can draw people to each other for the sake of people. Not a succession of who is better via domination because a few are granted tekken.
Now as viewed and an aged of among a cadre of talented people, I have to question their motives. I am not a part of their agenda, nor will I ever be. I am just the instruction manual of life for when they can't get things right. The source of unjudging solace because talented people cannot accept untalented failure nor can they appreciate hard work. The broken statue that gives answers of forgivness and insight when prayed too. But the aged are usless.
Living longer than most is not old or aged. Having the experiences tempered by failures, triumphs, despair, and hope garnered through hard work and perseverance hardly describes old. It describes people that have lived and were never afraid to live; without regret and openly dreaming. Old is when your talent runs out and you blame life for taking it, doing nothing about it.
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